Dating.... Again.

Dating after divorce.....

I joined a dating app after the divorce not so much for a relationship but more for interaction with people. I did go on a couple of one time dates, which all of course were alright, but I was just looking for people to talk to and get to know. Nothing serious. Sometimes I think it was foolish to do it so soon after divorce, mostly because of the pit I was still in. It is not a good idea to try and get to know people when you yourself is unhealthy. 

At first I thought it was just because of the recent trauma from the divorce but in all honesty I was just in a emotionally abusive relationship, I did not have self confidence or good self esteem. I would find myself typing a reply to a guy and I would want to say something the old bold, silly, energetic, girl would say, but would get scared, my confidence in myself was gone and I would reply with safe responses that probably didn't show the real me all that well.

There is one guy that I talked to the longest of them all and I really valued his "friendship" or whatever it was. It's not like we talked everyday either. It was while talking to him that I came to some conclusions. One of those being, I need to get out of this pit. I started seeing a therapist. 

My therapist said I should not be dating and I was 100% on board with it. That was about 2 months ago. I have made a ton of progress, and on my own have felt a strong desire to be around people my age so I started attending a singles ward on the weekends that the girls are with their dad. Again I'm not there for dating and meeting guys, but to socialize, get out of the house, and make new friends. This last week my therapist mentioned dating again, I admit I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fall for a fake, selfish, abusive person. I'm afraid no one will want me, or my girls, I'm afraid I won't be smart enough or good enough. Dean is helping me to recognize warning signs so I don't fall into another unhealthy relationship, this is helping with my fears. 

Through all this I have realized that there is one person that I have come to like and no others compare yet. Sadly I do not talk to this person anymore. Maybe they were ment to help me through a tuff part in my life, to get me to where I am now and to show me not all men are scum bags. 

There are still genuine good men out there. 

I want to say thank you to my Brother in laws.... Colin, Brenden, and Maeser for reminding me of my self worth, of who I am, and that I am deserving and capable of finding a great man. 

There’s got to be more
Than going back and forth
From doing right to doing wrong
‘Cause we were taught that’s who we are
Come on get in line right behind me
You along with everybody
Thinking there’s worth in what you do

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Could it possibly be
That we simply can’t believe
That this unconditional
Kind of love would be enough
To take a filthy wretch like this
And wrap him up in righteousness
But that’s exactly what He did

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Take a breath smile and say
Right here right now I’m ok
Because the cross was enough

And like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to grace grace
God’s grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

No matter what they say
Or what you think you are
The day you called His name
He made you flawless
He made you flawless

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Songwriters: Barry Graul / Bart Millard / Ben Glover / David Arthur Garcia / Mike Scheuchzer / Nathan Cochran / Robby Shaffer / Solomon Olds

Health

Just like most women, I have not been so accepting of my body. It did not help having a spouse who stated frequently that I should work out and get in shape. After a while I did notice however that my weight was steadily increasing, I tried doing Insanity with my neighbor, I would jog, I tried eating Keto, I tried shakes, counting calories and steps. Nothing helped. A couple of times I had asked my doctor if it could be from my IUD (Mirena), repeatedly I was told no.
My doctor and I together decided to start the Mediterranean Diet, first off to keep my cholesterol low, and second in hopes that my weight would change. after one month with hardly any change I was to continue my diet as well as take my new prescription (phentermine). Phentermine was to help boost my metabolism and help with weight loss. Well after one dose, I was having chest pains and called my doctor who told me to stop taking it immediately.

After moving to Provo I started seeing a doctor again and asked once again if it could be my IUD and again I was told no. They checked my thyroid which turned out to be normal. However they changed the subject and asked if I had a pap smear done, which I hadn't. So while getting ready for that the doctor could not find the string to my IUD, I had to schedule another appointment for an ultrasound. The ultrasound at first appeared as if my IUD was sideways, but it was actually where it was supposed to be and the strings were tucked up. A few days later I got a phone call from the Dr Office saying that the ultrasound also showed cysts on my ovaries and that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). My next appointment was set up, and guess what! She said all my symptoms did go with PCOS and that I should have my IUD removed and put on a different birth control to help with the Cysts! HA!!! Well here I am the 3rd time at the Dr. and she couldn't get the IUD out. So at my 4th appointment the ultrasound tech and my doctor worked together to get the little buggar out.

It's been two months and I feel a lot less bloated and full. I have slowly started incorporating my diet again and have been working out a little bit more. I am not worried about PCOS effecting my chances of having kids because I have gotten pregnant so easily in the past and my mom who also had PCOS did not have any complications either. On a positive note I am down 10 lbs and 1 inch.

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you

Songwriters: Jason Reeves / Colbie Caillat / Antonio Dixon / Kenneth Edmonds

Therapy

There is so much that I have learned these past weeks. I have been feeling stuck in a really dark pit with no way out and now finally I have found a couple steps out of the pit. Things seem much brighter.

The last two sessions I was told that the next step would be harder. Instead of working on relationships around me like at home, work, and church, I had to make some progress with the Ex.
First of all I am to not "Take the bait" It is not my responsibility to fix things for him. I need to get in the habit of having empathy for him but then put the accountability back on him. Dean told me that there is a gut feeling that comes to your heart before your head catches on to it and that I need to pay attention to that gut feeling so I don't get manipulated.
One thing I loved that he said is that sometimes people we communicate with do not respond well and that does not mean it's my fault. "You did great, sometimes it's the receiving end that is unhealthy". I had a great opportunity to remember and work this the very next day at instacare. The nurse asked me what was going on and I had just started to say how I was just there for something else but now it was for possible strep. She interrupted me and said in a rude tone that she didn't need to know what happened the other day and only needed to know what was happening right now. Well if she would have let me finish she would have known, but I brushed it aside. Then later in the next room she stated how she thought I didn't like her and a few more things that made me feeling like I was a hypochondriac and the lowest of the low. I thought back on everything I did and said multiple times and was able to pull my self out of those feelings and realize that everything I said was kind and I did nothing wrong in this situation.
We also discussed how there is Physical and Emotional energy, nothing is black and white and that Perspective is Everything!

The Lyrics for He Showed Me How by David Archuleta have been translated into 1 languages

I used to hurt. I used to hide. I could only see the walls that I kept myself behind And it was hard, until I found There's one who knows the way to bring them down. He showed me how to look for more To see the truth I couldn't find before And I learned to believe there's more that I can be I can be stronger now ‘Cause He showed me how. I took a step into the Light I followed the voice that said that I was strong enough to try And as my heart could hear the sound I knew I could climb above the doubt He showed me how to look for more To see the truth I couldn't find before And I learned to believe there's more that I can be I can be stronger now ‘Cause He showed me how. Yes He did, Oh His love opened my eyes And I know that He's been there by my side He showed me how to look for more To see the truth I couldn't find before And I learned to believe there's more that I can be I can be stronger now ‘Cause He showed me how. ‘Cause he showed me how.

Men

I have this really amazing man in my life, He's always been there for me and I know if I'm ever in need he will drop practically anything to help me. He is the picture of charity and the most Christ like person I know.
Some times when I don't know where he is, I find him helping others. Sometimes I find him talking to complete strangers. This man just radiates the light of Christ.
There was another man in my life that tried to convince me that all these amazing things about this person were not real, and that some of the things he did he probably actually didn't like doing.
Well I am here to say that it's not true, this man really truly is remarkable, yeah he's not perfect but he tries to be a friend to all. Christ was not perfect whe
n he was on earth and no one will ever be perfect while on this earth but it is important that we TRY.
This man has been there for his Wife, his daughters, foster daughters/son, Son in laws, his daughters, Grand children, friends, neighbors, and ward members. I could go forever on how much this man means to me and how kind and unselfish he is.
This man is Brain James Hill, My dad.