Therapy

I walked into therapy and was complimented by my therapist that he has loved and enjoyed watching me learn and grow. He loves how joyful and energetic I am.......... He described ME, the REAL ME, the ME that I lost sight of and couldn't find. You know what..... I found me again!!! I'll go more into that in another post.

We have started on the second half of "The Jerk" which is actually called "The Jerk Magnet". We were able to talk about everything in the first column and will discuss the rest next time I see him. Once again I am to take a Pink Highlighter and highlight all the things that I feel I fall under and then rate myself 1-10

Dean described to me how you don't want to go to the extreme. For example; one side of the scale you have really unselfish and on the other really selfish. There are negatives to being completely either of those things, so you need to find the middle ground. Some people are so unselfish that they forget to take care of themselves, or people walk all over them and use them. Selfish people are just rude and well.... selfish. So you want to be a good middle, being unselfish but knowing when enough is enough or that you need to take care of more important things.

Hey, little tid bit. Did you know there is something called an EQ? it's like an IQ, Go look it up and take the test!!

My therapist said some girls feel that it's best to be with a man than no man at all but he says...

"No mans better than a bad man"

Beautiful To Him Lyrics

So much noise, so much peace destroyed,
I can hardly hear the voice, leading me through the void,
So much noise.
The world's little lies,
Destruction in disguise, opportunities to compromise,
To make me beautiful in their eyes,
But I'm not gonna buy the world's little lies.
Because I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within,
I want to be beautiful to Him.

He's given me His trust, so I'll be strong enough,
To run from a dangerous touch, I don't need that kind of love,
I don't need that crutch, He's given me his trust.

I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within,
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I know how to shine, my life's not really mine.
It's not about a worldly climb, it's all about His design.
So in His eyes, I want to shine.
Because I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within,
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I want to live to have His peace,
And feel the holiness He seeks.
It comes from within.
I want to be beautiful... to Him.

Therapy

Wow, the past 3 weeks we have talked about red flags, also know as "The Jerk".
Little back story on "The Jerk", My sister worked for my therapist a long time ago and actually helped type this up for him and now here I am learning it.

I have posted a copy of the paper so everyone can see it and know what I'm talking of.


For three weeks Dean and I went over every part of this paper and discussed examples and what can lead to what. As I went through this I was aware of what my ex did and what part he played in "The Jerk". It was a bit painful but in a healthy kind of way.
As a homework assignment I was to take a blue highlighter and highlight all the things that were red flags/ things me ex did. Then take a pink highlighter and highlight all the things I felt that I did, then after that I had to rate myself 1-10.  One being I am not severe in it and 10 being really needs improvement.
As we started learning about "The Jerk"/ Red Flags, I started up a dating app again and tried talking to some more people.
 This has been quite the lesson and much to take in and learn. I hope by sharing this that someone out there can find help too.


 



You have felt the warmth of the fire
you have seen the glimmer of light
It's something that you have been missing inside
Something that you have been longing to find
Hold on, to the yearning
and where ever you are on the journey

Live like you believe, live like you know
it's one sure way, your faith will grow
Listen to your heart, trust in your soul
and you'll find, the strength that you need
His light the gift of His peace
when you live like you believe

There are things you have to let go
you might feel like just hanging on
when you find yourself alone and affraid
questioning all the choices you've made
hold on, to the burning
He's leading you on through the journey

Live like you believe, live like you know
it's one sure way, your faith will grow
Listen to your heart, trust in your soul
and you'll find, the strength that you need
His light the gift of His peace
when you live like you believe

Jenny Phillips Live Like You Believe

Therapy

This post will be short and more informational...... ask if you have questions.
We talked about "System 1 and System 2" and talked a little bit about Red Flags which we will talk more about later.

 Here are my notes of what I learned about System one and two...

System One:
Conscious Brain, we learn in system 1, Brain learns through repetition, consistency, and intensity. We need to stay in System 1 long enough to make a change and to see red flags.

System Two:
Auto Pilot, Don't know how you got there sometimes, Sometimes make mistakes. If you are 'stinkin thinking' get out go to system one. (this system is like driving somewhere on auto pilot and missing the caution signs on the road).



Standing like David before my goliath
difficult yes, but impossible no
Learning like Nephi
It's his will to triamph
I'll learn, I'll try, I'll go

But how do you move a mountain
how do you soften a heart made of stone
what makes a king fall down on his knees
or rich man to leave all he owns
Chirst said believe and all that you need
is the faith of a tiny seed.

Living today in this world isn't easy
how do I face insurmountable odds
finding I'm more than I am when He's with me
my power my strength is my God

But how do you move a mountain
how do you soften a heart made of stone
what makes a king fall down on his knees
or rich man to leave all he owns
Chirst said believe and all that you need
is the faith of a tiny seed.

Jesse Clark Funk: How do you Move a Mountain

Dating.... Again.

Dating after divorce.....

I joined a dating app after the divorce not so much for a relationship but more for interaction with people. I did go on a couple of one time dates, which all of course were alright, but I was just looking for people to talk to and get to know. Nothing serious. Sometimes I think it was foolish to do it so soon after divorce, mostly because of the pit I was still in. It is not a good idea to try and get to know people when you yourself is unhealthy. 

At first I thought it was just because of the recent trauma from the divorce but in all honesty I was just in a emotionally abusive relationship, I did not have self confidence or good self esteem. I would find myself typing a reply to a guy and I would want to say something the old bold, silly, energetic, girl would say, but would get scared, my confidence in myself was gone and I would reply with safe responses that probably didn't show the real me all that well.

There is one guy that I talked to the longest of them all and I really valued his "friendship" or whatever it was. It's not like we talked everyday either. It was while talking to him that I came to some conclusions. One of those being, I need to get out of this pit. I started seeing a therapist. 

My therapist said I should not be dating and I was 100% on board with it. That was about 2 months ago. I have made a ton of progress, and on my own have felt a strong desire to be around people my age so I started attending a singles ward on the weekends that the girls are with their dad. Again I'm not there for dating and meeting guys, but to socialize, get out of the house, and make new friends. This last week my therapist mentioned dating again, I admit I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fall for a fake, selfish, abusive person. I'm afraid no one will want me, or my girls, I'm afraid I won't be smart enough or good enough. Dean is helping me to recognize warning signs so I don't fall into another unhealthy relationship, this is helping with my fears. 

Through all this I have realized that there is one person that I have come to like and no others compare yet. Sadly I do not talk to this person anymore. Maybe they were ment to help me through a tuff part in my life, to get me to where I am now and to show me not all men are scum bags. 

There are still genuine good men out there. 

I want to say thank you to my Brother in laws.... Colin, Brenden, and Maeser for reminding me of my self worth, of who I am, and that I am deserving and capable of finding a great man. 

There’s got to be more
Than going back and forth
From doing right to doing wrong
‘Cause we were taught that’s who we are
Come on get in line right behind me
You along with everybody
Thinking there’s worth in what you do

Then like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Could it possibly be
That we simply can’t believe
That this unconditional
Kind of love would be enough
To take a filthy wretch like this
And wrap him up in righteousness
But that’s exactly what He did

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Take a breath smile and say
Right here right now I’m ok
Because the cross was enough

And like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to grace grace
God’s grace

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless
No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

No matter what they say
Or what you think you are
The day you called His name
He made you flawless
He made you flawless

No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

Songwriters: Barry Graul / Bart Millard / Ben Glover / David Arthur Garcia / Mike Scheuchzer / Nathan Cochran / Robby Shaffer / Solomon Olds

Health

Just like most women, I have not been so accepting of my body. It did not help having a spouse who stated frequently that I should work out and get in shape. After a while I did notice however that my weight was steadily increasing, I tried doing Insanity with my neighbor, I would jog, I tried eating Keto, I tried shakes, counting calories and steps. Nothing helped. A couple of times I had asked my doctor if it could be from my IUD (Mirena), repeatedly I was told no.
My doctor and I together decided to start the Mediterranean Diet, first off to keep my cholesterol low, and second in hopes that my weight would change. after one month with hardly any change I was to continue my diet as well as take my new prescription (phentermine). Phentermine was to help boost my metabolism and help with weight loss. Well after one dose, I was having chest pains and called my doctor who told me to stop taking it immediately.

After moving to Provo I started seeing a doctor again and asked once again if it could be my IUD and again I was told no. They checked my thyroid which turned out to be normal. However they changed the subject and asked if I had a pap smear done, which I hadn't. So while getting ready for that the doctor could not find the string to my IUD, I had to schedule another appointment for an ultrasound. The ultrasound at first appeared as if my IUD was sideways, but it was actually where it was supposed to be and the strings were tucked up. A few days later I got a phone call from the Dr Office saying that the ultrasound also showed cysts on my ovaries and that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). My next appointment was set up, and guess what! She said all my symptoms did go with PCOS and that I should have my IUD removed and put on a different birth control to help with the Cysts! HA!!! Well here I am the 3rd time at the Dr. and she couldn't get the IUD out. So at my 4th appointment the ultrasound tech and my doctor worked together to get the little buggar out.

It's been two months and I feel a lot less bloated and full. I have slowly started incorporating my diet again and have been working out a little bit more. I am not worried about PCOS effecting my chances of having kids because I have gotten pregnant so easily in the past and my mom who also had PCOS did not have any complications either. On a positive note I am down 10 lbs and 1 inch.

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you

Songwriters: Jason Reeves / Colbie Caillat / Antonio Dixon / Kenneth Edmonds

Therapy

There is so much that I have learned these past weeks. I have been feeling stuck in a really dark pit with no way out and now finally I have found a couple steps out of the pit. Things seem much brighter.

The last two sessions I was told that the next step would be harder. Instead of working on relationships around me like at home, work, and church, I had to make some progress with the Ex.
First of all I am to not "Take the bait" It is not my responsibility to fix things for him. I need to get in the habit of having empathy for him but then put the accountability back on him. Dean told me that there is a gut feeling that comes to your heart before your head catches on to it and that I need to pay attention to that gut feeling so I don't get manipulated.
One thing I loved that he said is that sometimes people we communicate with do not respond well and that does not mean it's my fault. "You did great, sometimes it's the receiving end that is unhealthy". I had a great opportunity to remember and work this the very next day at instacare. The nurse asked me what was going on and I had just started to say how I was just there for something else but now it was for possible strep. She interrupted me and said in a rude tone that she didn't need to know what happened the other day and only needed to know what was happening right now. Well if she would have let me finish she would have known, but I brushed it aside. Then later in the next room she stated how she thought I didn't like her and a few more things that made me feeling like I was a hypochondriac and the lowest of the low. I thought back on everything I did and said multiple times and was able to pull my self out of those feelings and realize that everything I said was kind and I did nothing wrong in this situation.
We also discussed how there is Physical and Emotional energy, nothing is black and white and that Perspective is Everything!

The Lyrics for He Showed Me How by David Archuleta have been translated into 1 languages

I used to hurt. I used to hide. I could only see the walls that I kept myself behind And it was hard, until I found There's one who knows the way to bring them down. He showed me how to look for more To see the truth I couldn't find before And I learned to believe there's more that I can be I can be stronger now ‘Cause He showed me how. I took a step into the Light I followed the voice that said that I was strong enough to try And as my heart could hear the sound I knew I could climb above the doubt He showed me how to look for more To see the truth I couldn't find before And I learned to believe there's more that I can be I can be stronger now ‘Cause He showed me how. Yes He did, Oh His love opened my eyes And I know that He's been there by my side He showed me how to look for more To see the truth I couldn't find before And I learned to believe there's more that I can be I can be stronger now ‘Cause He showed me how. ‘Cause he showed me how.

Men

I have this really amazing man in my life, He's always been there for me and I know if I'm ever in need he will drop practically anything to help me. He is the picture of charity and the most Christ like person I know.
Some times when I don't know where he is, I find him helping others. Sometimes I find him talking to complete strangers. This man just radiates the light of Christ.
There was another man in my life that tried to convince me that all these amazing things about this person were not real, and that some of the things he did he probably actually didn't like doing.
Well I am here to say that it's not true, this man really truly is remarkable, yeah he's not perfect but he tries to be a friend to all. Christ was not perfect whe
n he was on earth and no one will ever be perfect while on this earth but it is important that we TRY.
This man has been there for his Wife, his daughters, foster daughters/son, Son in laws, his daughters, Grand children, friends, neighbors, and ward members. I could go forever on how much this man means to me and how kind and unselfish he is.
This man is Brain James Hill, My dad.

Therapy

I'm not sure how to start this, so I'm just going to dive in.

We talked a lot about Validation and being positive. I need to work on being more aware of the feelings others cause me to feel (not intentionally) that my ex would. Feelings of negativity towards myself. I need to recognize these feelings, call it what it is, and let it roll off my shoulders. I should be in a better habit of more positive thoughts towards myself. 

He described something from the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, called the Relationship Bank. You have to put more positives in than what you take out. 

This past week at work I was hit, kicked, punched, scratched, called stupid a**, I hate you, ect. 

After a while it was really getting to me. My therapist was able to show me how those feelings were closely related to the ones I felt in my marriage, it was amazing to me because the things happening to me did not even seem related at all.

So This next week I am working on being more positive, I am going to try to be positive with myself and my students, I will try hard to validate my self and those around me. 

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

You cry yourself to sleep
'Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

Songwriters: Meredith Andrews / Meredith Frances Andrews

You're Not Alone lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

AZ

My first vacation to AZ in about 3 or 4 years was much needed! I bought some plane tickets and went on my own, the whole time I either followed my sister around, took naps, or played with my nieces and nephews. Now of course I had tons of fun and it was just what I needed, but I wanted to write more about my Brother in law.

I have an AMAZING Brother in Law, his name is Maeser Anderson. This man could be a motivational speaker, He is always so uplifting, and always makes me feel better about myself. We had such wonderful conversations that have helped me gain some of my confidence again. This man is also a TALENTED ARTIST! I follow him on his instagram account @maeserart or his facebook page Maeser Art. While being in their home it was filled with pieces of his art, and it just showed how much they love the Prophet and Jesus Chirst. I wish to share his art with others because it has helped me through some trying times.

Thank you Maeser for being YOU! Your home, your art, and your help while I was in AZ has taken me another step through the healing process.

1. I believe in Christ; he is my King!

With all my heart to him I'll sing;

I'll raise my voice in praise and joy,

In grand amens my tongue employ.

I believe in Christ; he is God's Son.

On earth to dwell his soul did come.

He healed the sick; the dead he raised.

Good works were his; his name be praised.

..........

4. I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!

From him I'll gain my fondest dream;

And while I strive through grief and pain,

His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain."

I believe in Christ; so come what may,

With him I'll stand in that great day

When on this earth he comes again

To rule among the sons of men

Text: Bruce R. McConkie, 1915-1985. (c) 1972 IRI

Music: John Longhurst, b. 1940. (c) 1985 IRI

Recovery

So I know it's personal but I have decided I will document and share my recovery on my blog.

In the last couple of months I have had to come to terms with the fact that some parts of me are not the same and that I need help. I have started seeing a therapist who is going to help me through the aftermath of emotional abuse. This battle will not be seen on the outside easily because it will be fought within, which is why I have decided to share it.

Honestly, I do not think my ex was aware of what he was doing, so no I do not think it was intentional. I am struggling with my confidence and knowing if what I'm doing is because I really want to or because I was persuaded to do it. Are my memories correct or wrong? Why am I more hesitant towards things I wasn't before? It's so hard to explain what's going on internally, my therapist said that once a week he does a class type thing for women who have been in abusive relationships and the majority of women said they would rather be physically abused than emotionally abused because the dealing with it and healing process was easier.  Wow

I have a long way to go and can't wait to improve.

"sometimes at night I feel so weak
I have learned the hard way that the ocean is deep
but inspired all my fears you ask the best of me so
i'm starting here to turn around, so for now
this is me
I"m painfully aware of the shame in my eyes
I have fought so hard and I have paid a price
but that's nothing to you,
you're the one who know the truth
cause you say i'm beautiful, i'm your living proof
for now live out loud, this is me
This is me, the dark and the light
I may be imperfect, but with God on my side
I am ment to live, and I am ment to fly
and every color of the rainbow is mine
and one day I'll be proud but for right now
This is me, this is me, hallelujah, THIS IS ME."

Today's lesson

So last night was not my prettiest of nights, and I was feeling like crap. Every time I think I've got things under control and I'm improving, something happens that makes me feel like I was put back at the start. This morning I woke up to puffy, swollen eyes from all my crying. Well lets fast forward to sunday school. We listened to a talk by Elder D Todd Christofferson and he spoke of a currant bush that had to be trimmed drastically for it to grow into it's intended purpose.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-014-the-will-of-god?lang=eng

I realized that God has a plan for me and sometimes I will have to go through sorrow, pain, and sadness to become stronger.

Well in Relife society we had another amazing lesson that just took things to the next step.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2017-09-2050-ronald-a-rasband?lang=eng

It was on Divine Design. As a teen I believed a lot in Divine Design, and as I've gotten older I've forgotten all about it. Like the Currant bush in the first talk God has a Divine Design for me, He has a plan, and a purpose for me in this life. I may not see it now or know what my future may hold but God is still there, watching over my girls and I.

"Master, the tempest is raging!

The billows are tossing high!
The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.
No shelter or help is nigh.
Carest thou not that we perish?
How canst thou lie asleep
When each moment so madly is threat’ning
A grave in the angry deep?

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled.
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o’er my sinking soul,
And I perish! I perish! dear Master.
Oh, hasten and take control!

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

Master, the terror is over.
The elements sweetly rest.
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven’s within my breast.
Linger, O blessed Redeemer!
Leave me alone no more,
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor
And rest on the blissful shore.

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.  

-Master The Tempest Is Raging"

Preschool

I have always loved working with children! I have missed working for Little Wonders in Logan UT, but I am glad that my CDA is recognized around the United States, so no matter where I go, I can work with kids.

I love seeing little minds making little connections. Some days are so hard but in the end you love it. I love the days when you run into a student out side of class and they beam with recognition and then confusion because they think you never leave the school, in fact some think you live there. Some of the kids I taught have just graduated Pre-School and are moving on to Kindergarten, I am so proud of them and hope they continue to grow!

"row row row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see an alligator don't forget to scream. AAAAAAAAAA!!!"

" twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder what you are, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are."

Welcome

Welcome to My Music Box!

For those who read I'd like to start off by saying, I am not good at grammar and spelling!! Please just bare with me.

The title of this blog came about because I have always felt that my feelings come across better in song then written or spoken. Songs find a way to your heart and soul, even when you are tongue tied.