Recovery

So I know it's personal but I have decided I will document and share my recovery on my blog.

In the last couple of months I have had to come to terms with the fact that some parts of me are not the same and that I need help. I have started seeing a therapist who is going to help me through the aftermath of emotional abuse. This battle will not be seen on the outside easily because it will be fought within, which is why I have decided to share it.

Honestly, I do not think my ex was aware of what he was doing, so no I do not think it was intentional. I am struggling with my confidence and knowing if what I'm doing is because I really want to or because I was persuaded to do it. Are my memories correct or wrong? Why am I more hesitant towards things I wasn't before? It's so hard to explain what's going on internally, my therapist said that once a week he does a class type thing for women who have been in abusive relationships and the majority of women said they would rather be physically abused than emotionally abused because the dealing with it and healing process was easier.  Wow

I have a long way to go and can't wait to improve.

"sometimes at night I feel so weak
I have learned the hard way that the ocean is deep
but inspired all my fears you ask the best of me so
i'm starting here to turn around, so for now
this is me
I"m painfully aware of the shame in my eyes
I have fought so hard and I have paid a price
but that's nothing to you,
you're the one who know the truth
cause you say i'm beautiful, i'm your living proof
for now live out loud, this is me
This is me, the dark and the light
I may be imperfect, but with God on my side
I am ment to live, and I am ment to fly
and every color of the rainbow is mine
and one day I'll be proud but for right now
This is me, this is me, hallelujah, THIS IS ME."

Today's lesson

So last night was not my prettiest of nights, and I was feeling like crap. Every time I think I've got things under control and I'm improving, something happens that makes me feel like I was put back at the start. This morning I woke up to puffy, swollen eyes from all my crying. Well lets fast forward to sunday school. We listened to a talk by Elder D Todd Christofferson and he spoke of a currant bush that had to be trimmed drastically for it to grow into it's intended purpose.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-014-the-will-of-god?lang=eng

I realized that God has a plan for me and sometimes I will have to go through sorrow, pain, and sadness to become stronger.

Well in Relife society we had another amazing lesson that just took things to the next step.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2017-09-2050-ronald-a-rasband?lang=eng

It was on Divine Design. As a teen I believed a lot in Divine Design, and as I've gotten older I've forgotten all about it. Like the Currant bush in the first talk God has a Divine Design for me, He has a plan, and a purpose for me in this life. I may not see it now or know what my future may hold but God is still there, watching over my girls and I.

"Master, the tempest is raging!

The billows are tossing high!
The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.
No shelter or help is nigh.
Carest thou not that we perish?
How canst thou lie asleep
When each moment so madly is threat’ning
A grave in the angry deep?

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today.
The depths of my sad heart are troubled.
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
Sweep o’er my sinking soul,
And I perish! I perish! dear Master.
Oh, hasten and take control!

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.

Master, the terror is over.
The elements sweetly rest.
Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven’s within my breast.
Linger, O blessed Redeemer!
Leave me alone no more,
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor
And rest on the blissful shore.

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:
Peace, be still.
Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea
Or demons or men or whatever it be,
No waters can swallow the ship where lies
The Master of ocean and earth and skies.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, be still; peace, be still.
They all shall sweetly obey thy will:
Peace, peace, be still.  

-Master The Tempest Is Raging"

Preschool

I have always loved working with children! I have missed working for Little Wonders in Logan UT, but I am glad that my CDA is recognized around the United States, so no matter where I go, I can work with kids.

I love seeing little minds making little connections. Some days are so hard but in the end you love it. I love the days when you run into a student out side of class and they beam with recognition and then confusion because they think you never leave the school, in fact some think you live there. Some of the kids I taught have just graduated Pre-School and are moving on to Kindergarten, I am so proud of them and hope they continue to grow!

"row row row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see an alligator don't forget to scream. AAAAAAAAAA!!!"

" twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder what you are, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are."

Welcome

Welcome to My Music Box!

For those who read I'd like to start off by saying, I am not good at grammar and spelling!! Please just bare with me.

The title of this blog came about because I have always felt that my feelings come across better in song then written or spoken. Songs find a way to your heart and soul, even when you are tongue tied.